


when love alone is (not) enough to set you free

by Jacynon



Series: Postgame Survival Trio Adventures [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Post-Canon, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 19:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12967095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacynon/pseuds/Jacynon
Summary: Shuuichi decides that he and his two remaining companions aren't a damn spectacle. They belong to themselves, not to the world.





	when love alone is (not) enough to set you free

**Author's Note:**

> this didn't actually take that long to write but it definitely feels like it did. I'm not 100% happy with it but I'm throwin it out there anyway cuz I wanted to get it done with. that being said, I hope you enjoy it!

Shuuichi is bitter.

That shouldn't come to anyone as much of a surprise.

He's been bitter since the ending of the killing game. _No_ \- he's been bitter since long before that. It's just something that's been dormant, something that's grown and grown over time, that's been groomed and encouraged to flourish, until it's eventually become an inarguable hindrance in his very soul. It's like a headache that he can't get rid of, like some sort of disease that just can't be treated.

_"Maybe we can jog your memory," his uncle - looking just like the one he has memories of but being oh, so different - said that, once he returned to what he apparently used to call his house. It was waved off, like something they could deal with later. "I'm sure your real memories will come back soon enough."_

One month is a deceptively long time.

It's a nightmare.

He's living in some bullshit nightmare.

 _Nothing's_ come back.

It doesn't feel like he's been given fake memories at all, and it doesn't feel like his _'real'_ memories are going to suddenly reappear at any point in time. None of the people around him, the people who try to talk to him like they know him somehow, are familiar. They don't ring a bell in the slightest. Maybe some of them look similar to those he can recall, but once they make a single action or say one sentence, the recognition is utterly lost because nothing matches up.

His title as a detective makes him think that searching through his room, the room that the _real_ him had, would provide him with some clues as to what kind of person he used to be.

But, in the end, he just ends up confusing and frustrating himself.

Inside of his room, he wouldn't say is nothing special, but it's a lot less insightful than Shuuichi thought it'd end up being. From the books he has to the movies - mostly documentaries - to the games, the bookmarked pages on his phone and laptop, the contacts of random an unidentifiable people...it's all pointless. The most he can infer about himself was that he was fascinated with killing. Moreso than normal people, even within the cruel world he's reentered. At the very least, he can gather that he used to have accounts on a bunch of social media platforms.

But he's been logged out from all of them. Nothing's available. He doesn't know his own usernames or passwords.

One thing that stands out is - ah, _merchandise_.

 _DanganRonpa_ merchandise, that is. It's obvious that's what some of the stuff he has lying around is, even if he can't quite identify it all. The Shuuichi of the past was utterly infatuated with the killing game. That much is certain.

Maybe Shuuichi might care more if he could remember any of it.

But, as it is, he can't. So, it's just a disturbing thought to add to the mix of other disturbing thoughts that he's been dealing with this whole time.

He's just existing, day by day, as some famous celebrity.

A famous celebrity who still has to graduate from school. _Real_ school. A school he has no recollection of.

_What the hell was the point?_

He asks himself that question, every single night.

_What was the point of all that?_

The only time he feels like he can get closer to the answer is when he meets up with Maki and Himiko.

Even after they decided to part ways and find what should have been the families belonging to their previous lives, they agreed to keep in touch. Because of _course_ they did. It wasn't like it was really a choice, or something they had to discuss out loud. It was just assumed and acted upon because it's natural. They're the only ones who understand each other, who know each other as themselves rather than some imposters who used to belong in their flesh. They see each other for who they really are.

No one else sees them as real people. No one else can understand them as human beings with genuine emotions, who've experienced actual loss, despite their ultimate victory. The world looks to the three with glossy pity, not understanding, just pretending. But he figures it doesn't really matter. Because, this way, at least the killing game is over.

The one and only interview Shuuichi agreed to go to shattered the illusion that the world had gotten his message in the way he wanted them to.

_"How does it feel being the end of DanganRonpa?"_

He has no idea how to answer that. He never has any idea.

Is he supposed to feel happy, or something?

Maybe he's supposed to feel triumphant. Like he's accomplished something incredible. It definitely seems like the public has a favorable view of him for doing it, despite how much he'd worried that they would end up viewing him in the opposite way. He technically has, and maybe he feels a _bit_ of pride in the back of his mind. It's a shared pride, though. The idea that he and the others are the reason that no one else should have to go through what they've been through anymore does give him some amount of solace.

It's just, that small amount is nowhere near enough.

And their unwillingness to get what he's been through, to see through his eyes where he's coming from, just pisses him off. The way he's still being treated like some figure to be put on display and paraded around like a living martyr is what gets him. Even worse than that, though, is how Maki and Himiko are being treated the same way. _That's_ what irritates him more out of anything else. Everyone wants to know about their views, their stories, but they miss the point entirely. Haven't the three of them been through enough? Can't they just be left alone?

Can't they just live?

Apparently fucking not.

Not once in his life - being, what he falsely remembers as his past and what he lived through in the killing game - has Shuuichi ever considered himself an angry person. Not until now. That's a relatively new development.

But, honestly? It's refreshing.

Even though the feelings are negative, he embraces them as if they're the best thing that's ever happened to him. It's better than the emptiness, the feeling of wanting to disappear, the times when all he can understand about himself is the gaping hole in his chest. Yeah, he's pissed off. He's fed up with the world. He wants to throw someone off a building, sometimes. There's a fire of hatred and passionate defiance that comes and goes in his gut whenever a stranger approaches him about the killing game, whenever he's called about appearing on some TV show, whenever his apparent _friends_ try to connect with him about things he doesn't understand and can't understand and _refuses_ to understand.

He loves it.

It's easy to cling to those emotions.

He's actually stopped wanting to die because of them, he thinks.

Not forever, of course. Relapses happen. There are times he lies in bed and stares at the ceiling for hours and thinks about _Kaede_ and about _Kaito_ and about all of the people he's lost, the _real_ people. There are times he can cry about them, but the times he can't cry are worse. When he can just swim in a heavy void for hours on end and think of nothing but _I want to die_ but be utterly unable to get up and actually do anything about it because he feels like a failed husk of a human being. He finds himself in a suicidal haze occasionally, but he mainly means that it's no longer a persistent desire. And that's much more than he'd ever expected.

Shuuichi wants to live.

Not because he finds value in it. Not because he's found some new hope.

It's spite. He wants to live out of spite.

Knowing what everyone's saying about him while he's alive is awful, but dying and having that possibility of not being able to see what type of shit is spewed about him afterward would be worse. If he forfeits that little bit of control, he'll just be giving the public what they want. And that's exactly what he can't allow himself to do.

Eventually, the anger makes his thoughts go in a different direction entirely. They turn the, _'We should all just die together,'_ that he's been wanting to say, that he's actually said a few times to the others, into a, _'We should all just run away together.'_

And, finally, he reaches the breaking point that gives him the courage to say it.

"You...You want us to move in together?"

It's Himiko who asks hesitantly, putting her cup of tea down with a _clink_ that goes mostly unheard within the café.

Her eyes reflect a certain type of hope, but they're clouded with hesitation. He can understand that. On the other hand, Maki's staring at him blankly, not seeming to react at all. Or, possibly, just trying to figure out _how_ to react.

But Shuuichi doesn't regret bringing it up.

This is something he definitely wants.

He's been wanting to say it for some time, actually. Maybe even since they first left the hell that was the killing game. He's not even sure he wanted to return to his old, forgotten life in the first place - just that he felt as though he _had_ to. But that obligation is gone, now. Shuuichi decides that he and his two remaining companions aren't a damn spectacle. They belong to themselves, not to the world. These three aren't people who belong in the real world. Not because they're _fictional characters_ , but because of how mistreated they've been. The real world doesn't deserve them.

But, at the same time, he doesn't want to force them. He cares more about their feelings than pushing his own agenda, so he tries to backpedal. "You don't need to say yes, if you don't want to."

He doesn't really expect Himiko to get upset.

"Th - That's not - whether we want to or not isn't the problem!" she yells, but then gives a little yelp and lowers her voice when she remembers that they're in a public place. "Are you suggesting we just...run away?"

He hadn't really phrased it that way.

Not out loud, at least. But she's not wrong, because he thought of it in his head as exactly that. He _is_ suggesting they run away together. There's a tinge of guilt that makes him feel sick when he thinks that Himiko and Maki might have settled in better than he ever did. He's been making a lot of assumptions about how they were handling things based on both his own experience and vague reasoning, but that's not nearly conclusive enough to give him the big picture. Well, he supposes he could have asked them before making this request.

Maybe he just...messed up.

Maybe it was just an awful idea to bring up. And, maybe Shuuichi is just using his own logic as an excuse to run away from problems he doesn't know how to deal with. Either way, he feels awful for it.

And just as he's about to try to change the subject, he finds himself unable to.

"Why not?"

Maki finds new ways to shock Shuuichi every day.

Well, maybe not shock. He already knew from the beginning that he could gauge Maki's reaction better than Himiko's, because he just understands the way that she thinks on a personal level. She's easy to empathize with, considering all that they have in common. And on top of that, Shuuichi already came to the probable conclusion that she's been dealing with the same feelings of resentment and frustration as him, and he knows her well enough to comprehend just how much more overt she can be about her emotions - not exactly in terms of emotional expression, but more when it comes to how she acts.

But just because he'd made that deduction doesn't mean getting the answer right is any less surprising, so he clarifies just in case. "You want to?

"Of course, I want to. You do, too, right?" she looks pointedly to Himiko, who tenses herself up. "You don't have to if I'm wrong, or if you feel like you can't, but I'm personally sick of being looked at every second of every day by people who pretend to know me. There's nothing here for me. I don't know any of these people and I can't know them. Being around them is causing everyone more pain than it's helping alleviate."

Judging from Himiko's face, it looks like Maki hit the nail on the head.

The redhead stays silent for some time. She takes a sip from her tea, though Shuuichi imagines that it's probably cold by now.

"I...alright. I agree," she finally responds, having more or less calmed down. "I think that living together would be best, too. And if Saihara and Harumaki think so, then it must be true. I trust in you guys."

None of them are exactly sure of where the conversation is supposed to go from there.

But, luckily, Maki comes up with the first topic. "If this is something we're really going to do, we should probably discuss the _where_ first."

And that's when they finally get the ball rolling, so to speak. Each of them go over their current living arrangements and what kinds of resources they have, as well as what options are available to the three of them. Whether they want to stay in town or move somewhere far. What types of conditions they all prefer. If they have anyone who might object to them leaving. Shuuichi feels elated for the first time in a long, long time, because he's wanted this _so_ badly. And for once, he's actually getting what he wants. This isn't something he should be taking for granted.

Things aren't always this simple.

They're not supposed to be.

But, Shuuichi doesn't care. He's going to bet on that false sense of simplicity.

* * *

Maki is numb.

Then again, Maki's always been numb, even in her memories - her _fake_ memories - of before the killing game. The person she was before might not have been that way. To tell the truth, she's still not sure, even to this day.

But, well, that's her fault.

Once she'd found out where her other self originally was from - an orphanage that looks and feels familiar but not at all like the one she actually remembers - she resolved to go back and try to make amends with the life that she technically had nothing to do with. There, she's treated as a figurehead, someone who the kids and adults working there alike look up to, all because she helped end the game. And maybe that would be alright if she just didn't get so much nonstop attention.

Maybe it would've been better if they were able to just leave her alone.

But every day, she's bombarded with questions.

Like she's the result of a test subject and they're all trying to pry as much information out of her as they can.

Those people who try to pretend as if they know her are the worst, because they're the ones who're the most invasive. They think they're _allowed_ to be. People claiming to have known and been friends with some other version of Maki that she's unable to reproduce, mostly the older kids or members of the staff, think they can just intrude on her life and try to cut her brain open to learn everything about her. She doesn't want to close herself off from others, but the longer she stays within that orphanage, the more her patience is tested.

In truth, Maki wanted more than anything to accept Shuuichi's request the second he asked.

Her initial apprehension might've come from an idea that she's somehow obligated to pick up where the old her left off. That the world and the people around her have the expectation that she needs to revert back somehow, even if she physically can't. Rejoin society in the way the old Maki was already apart of it.

But it doesn't take long to remember just how impossible of a feat that is.

And, as she continues to mull it over, she starts to realize just how little she _cares_ for this world. This world that demanded she place herself in a killing game, that they had to _convince_ of simple right and wrong concepts to put an end to something that shouldn't have existed in the first place, that put false memories into her and made her into a fake person who feels very, very real.

As she observes Shuuichi more and more, she starts realizing that he's felt the same thing.

Who gives a shit about the world?

They can do what they want.

It doesn't concern her. Because for once in her life, whether it be her _real_ life or her _fake_ life, Maki is going to live for herself.

At the very least, it doesn't take her long to pack her things.

In a way, it's good that Maki doesn't remember anything from her real childhood, since she couldn't identify anything there that's evidently supposed to have belonged to her real self. She was almost expecting that there'd be at least some things taken from her real past that had been implanted into her fake memories - some semblence of reality among the falsity - but, no. The blanket that was hanging off the side of her bed looked like something that was hand-stitched, but it still doesn't _mean_ anything to her. There were toys and dolls, as well as movies and CDs that seemed to be hers, but she doesn't remember any of it.

There _was_ one that managed to stand out to her, though.

A yellow stuffed plush in the shape of a star.

Even now, it doesn't spark any sort of memory in her, but she fixates on it.

None of those within the orphanage took her departure very well at all. As she filled up a bag with her clothes and necessities, making note to slip in the star plush, she didn't make any effort to hide what she was doing. In fact, she almost made it more obvious than she actually needed to. She told anyone who asked exactly what her plans were. She was leaving, and never coming back. Though of course, she was vague about it and refused to give specifics, not trusting any of them to let her be if they were made aware of where she's going, no matter how much they pried.

 _"W - Wait, you're leaving?"_ more than one of them demanded in a panic that was just...really not warranted at all. _"You can't be leaving!"_

Gradually, any kind of regret Maki might have been feeling got completely eliminated.

_She can be leaving and she is leaving._

Or, more like, she's already left.

It's been just a few days since they've moved in together.

And it'll be an entire week before their beds are supposed to get here.

It only dawns on Maki when they finally get settled in and when she goes through the various rooms within the house that they really should've done this from the start. She's not even sure why they didn't, other than for the fact that they probably felt like they couldn't. They might be well off from the show and the fame, but it's not like any of them have had much time or incentive to do anything with that; now, though, she recognizes that it's given them a sort of freedom. The three of them are adults by this point, she supposes, but it's hard to fathom that they really can just do what they want with their lives.

She remembers learning that she had a job within the first week of returning to the orphanage - apparently, she was a waitress in a local diner. And she definitely _tried_ going back to work for a bit, once she'd heard of that. It wasn't even necessarily that she was bad at the job or that she disliked it, because part of her loved having that sort of temporary escape. A time when she could focus on tasks instead of being left alone with her thoughts, when all she needed to worry about was what was right in front of her.

But the bad ended up outweighing the good. It wasn't even the terrible customers, or the fact that she's so clearly not fit for the role that they want her to play. A waitress might instead fit someone like - _ah, nope, not gonna think about her._

It was more the fact that no one could just let her do her job. She couldn't go a single day without someone trying to interrogate her.

As if she really needed that.

As if she wasn't already thinking of the killing game every waking moment, because God forbid she go a few seconds without seeing the faces of her ' _classmates_ ' and their deaths burn in her head. No, she of course had to have another reminder in the shape of the entire fucking world around her.

Well, she's tired of it.

The first day that they're able to get their things moved in, it's already in the late evening by the time they've got some of the basics. It's a three-bedroom apartment, but it isn't exactly spacious, and the living room itself is about the size of what Maki remembers to be her own room within the school. They've managed to get themselves a small television, a couch, and some basic appliances.

And once they're able to relax and sit for a while, Maki rubs at her eyes, only just then realizing how exhausted she is. But it's a good kind of exhausted. It's the kind where she knows she's got a lot done and can actually be happy about it, which isn't something she's felt for some time. She turns to the other two on the couch and gets up to reach for her sleeping bag. "I think I'm going to call it an early night. I'm pretty tired, so I'm just going to worry about unpacking my stuff tomorrow."

From the looks on their faces, they seem to have the same idea.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Shuuichi responds with a small smile.

"U - Um," it's only after the other two are already up and headed to their respective rooms that Himiko nervously opens her mouth. "I know we all have different bedrooms, but since our beds aren't here yet..."

It doesn't take much to figure out what she's getting at.

Even though there's not a lot of room, they somehow manage to find a way to fit all of them on the floor of the living area. Their sleeping bags aren't entirely comfortable, but that's alright, considering the fact that she doesn't have a lot of experience with comfortable sleep. At least, not within the memories she's been given. Maki lies in the middle while Himiko and Shuuichi are on either side of her and she wouldn't at all know how to verbalize it, but it makes her feel more safe than she remembers ever feeling before.

It's comforting to know that the other two are with her, right next to her.

The days pass by as they try to make the abnormal seem normal. _A lot like playing House,_ she thinks, but it's much more realistic than how it was anytime she'd played it as a kid. They buy a dining table and have quite a bit of an issue getting it assembled. She learns that Shuuichi's actually not that great with putting things together, despite how much she'd expected the opposite, and she finds it pretty interesting that she can still be understanding new things about these two despite how intimate their relationships feel.

It's something that sticks in her mind for quite a while, and she doesn't know what to do with those thoughts.

And on the last night, Maki decides to kiss Shuuichi.

She's not even sure why she comes to the conclusion that it's something she wants to do. Maybe it's a combination of their close proximity and the fact that _he's_ been on her mind all night, but there's a painful need for physical contact in some sense, in _any_ sense, and she makes the connection before she can even think it through.

When she rolls over, looking down on his face in the darkness and placing her hands on the floor at both his sides, she sees that his eyes are wide open.

"Don't talk, or I'll kill you," she says, not at all meaning it. "I just need this."

It doesn't last for very long. She doesn't regret it, but it doesn't feel at all romantic, not that she thought it would have. It's soothing in a way that slows her heartbeat makes her want to hold him as tight as she can, and terrifying in a way that makes her want to wail in agony or curl up in a ball, but she does none of those things. Maki loves Shuuichi. Maybe not the way she wishes she's able to, the way she's only ever felt for one person before, or in a way she knows how to express accurately, but she loves him regardless. He doesn't need to say anything for her to know that he harbors the same feelings.

It's clear when she looks into his eyes.

She might be able to learn to love him like _that_ , someday. She's just not ready.

It's unlikely that either of them are.

When the week passes by and their beds finally come in, they spend the first night sleeping apart from each other.

She was worried that not being in the same room as the other three would make it just as hard for her to sleep as it was back in the orphanage. But, as it turns out, the comfort of knowing that they're all still together lets her drift off soundly.

* * *

Himiko is paranoid.

Maybe she never considered that a defining character trait about herself before, but it's become something of a constant in her mind. The feeling that something's bound to go wrong, that some terrible event is going to take away all of their peace and that before they know it, they're living in hell all over again, is constantly on her mind no matter how calm things are. She could even argue that it gets even worse when the situation is undeniably better, as if that makes any sense. It makes her cautious and overly protective of things and people in ways that might be considered unhealthy.

And there's no doubt that Shuuichi and Maki take the full brunt of this.

She'd feel worse about that if she didn't know that it's reciprocated.

Not that that's exactly a _good_ thing. Well - good in the healthy sense. She's fully aware of how dependent they are on each other. If Himiko were to one day die, there's no doubt in her mind that Shuuichi and Maki would resign themselves to death. She knows this because she feels she'd do the same if either one of them died. So, Himiko's reason for living is the fact that she's their reason for living. Maybe that's the same for them, too.

Some days are good enough to give them other reasons to live.

Some days are bad enough to make them all want to end it together.

But there's a silent agreement among the three.

It's happened numerous times before. If by the end of a particularly awful night, when they're all contemplating or in some cases in the middle of the planning process, even _one_ of the three can bring themselves to choose to sleep instead of die, they'll all go to bed and talk it over in the morning.

So far, it's worked.

It's kept them alive. The simple act of saying, _let's talk it over some more to try and find another solution_.

But one night, it seems like things start going down a path that scares Himiko.

It doesn't even go how those certain nights normally do, though. They're not in an empty daze, or anything. Just eating dinner. Just having a simple dinner.

Himiko _really_ doesn't like conflict.

Even though Maki's voice is level, there's something in it that clearly shows how cold and dangerous her words come across. "I can't believe you're actually defending him. Did you just forget how much Ouma hurt everyone? Are you really just excusing all of that?"

Huh? _What_ about Kokichi?

Himiko hasn't really been listening to the conversation, just eating her dinner.

She wishes she could continue not listening.

"No, you're just...you're being irrational!" the two girls flinch as Shuuichi raises his voice, his eyes unfocused. Himiko has to wonder how much she's missed of the conversation, if it's gotten him this worked up. "We've been over this already, I don't see how you don't get it. Ouma's actions only make sense if we think that he - he cared about us, in his own way, and that he wanted to end the killing game. We can't just...disrespect his memory like that. There's no way that's fair!"

Why are they talking about Kokichi? She doesn't want to think about him.

She doesn't want to think about any of them. He's dead. _Squished and gone and dead._ Deader than dead. There's nothing to be gained from discussing him or what his motives were or whether he actually cared about them or _anything_ because he's dead. Not only that, but he wasn't even _real_. They're basically just arguing over some fictional character and how he thought when they're missing the point that he was _made_ to think that way. See, she's getting a headache just from the little bit she's dedicated to him in her thoughts.

"I don't care about disrespecting his memory. He was an asshole who treated us horribly, even if he seemed like he had good intentions."

"Then, what about Momota?" _oh, no_. Maki's eyes go blank and Shuuichi keeps talking, and _oh, no_. "You don't need to like Ouma, I know I have...confusing feelings about him. But denying that his intentions were good - denying that he wanted to get us out of the killing game - you're disrespecting Momota's memory, too, aren't you?"

_Oh, no._

Ha, wow, that really wasn't a good thing to say. Himiko's almost able to laugh about it in her head. Except she's busy screaming about it. That kind of tunes out the laughter.

What also tunes out the laughter is wood suddenly scraping against the floor as Maki abruptly stands, a menacing look in her eyes. It's obvious how the accusation struck a tender nerve and, honestly, Himiko's a bit appalled that Shuuichi would even go there in the first place. Maki towers over him who, despite her clear murderous intent, doesn't even seem to look partially afraid. Himiko might silently applaud him for his apparent bravery if she wasn't so preoccupied with wanting to throw all the food she's just eaten back up.

"Do you wanna die this badly?"

"If you're really going to kill me over this," he responds defiantly, standing to get to eye level with her, an obvious challenge that really doesn't bode well at all. "Then, go ahead! Do it!"

Maki brings the knife on the table up to Shuuichi's throat. But he doesn't flinch or even react in any way, just keeps his eyes locked onto hers.

Himiko's chair is the one that makes the most noise when she gets up.

The two snap their heads over to look at her, but her eyes are closed and her hands are holding the sides of her head. It's almost like she feels as though she can keep her thoughts in order and her mind in place if she physically stops it from moving, even though all the swimming is happening internally. She can feel the sweat building up on her face as she goes flush with overwhelming anxiety.

Even though she can imagine their protesting gazes, Himiko doesn't turn back to look at either of them when she makes a break for the door.

The door slams behind her.

And when she starts running, she doesn't stop until her legs start to ache. She makes her way down the steps of their apartment complex, outside of the gate to their community, past the intersection that leads to where they live. She runs and runs and runs, though she has no idea where she's trying to run to. Maybe she'd admire the beauty of the moon or the lights of the city in the distance, but she can barely even see as it is through the water that's been building up in her eyes. The cold of the night pricks her cheeks and makes her fingers go numb, but she balls her hands into fists and only increases her pace.

By the time she decides to stop and take a moment to breathe, she's heaving and trying to get the piercing cold air into her lungs on the curb of a convenience store. It's one she recognizes, since that particular corner shop is the only one within walking distance from their house.

...Might as well buy something, now that she's here.

In the end, since she wasn't really planning on coming out, she doesn't have a lot of money on her. She only ends up buying a few snacks and ingredients for sandwiches, but decides that it was ultimately a good thing, since it helps to calm her down a bit.

Well.

She stops just outside the store when it's all said and done, one grocery bag for each hand. She supposes that she should probably be getting back.

Not that she wants to, but she's not totally sure she'd want to stay outside any more.

She turns into the nearest alley, vaguely remembering a shortcut that Shuuichi had found last time they went shopping.

Then, just behind her, she hears a faint rustling.

Dread starts filling her gut. It doesn't occur to her until just now that she really shouldn't have gone running off alone when it's already nighttime and past the point of being too dark to walk around by herself. And wandering into an alleyway after going shopping is quite possibly the worst choice she could have made, but it's not like she was exactly thinking when she sprinted outside and ran away.

 _I'm going to die here_ , she thinks.

But when she turns around, she doesn't find a masked man holding a knife, or a group of kids ready to beat her senseless, or anything that she's conjured up in her mind to be the last thing that she's going to witness before she dies a brutal death.

It's a cat, just beside a dumpster.

Himiko exhales harder than she ever has in her life. _Only a cat_. The rustling must have been from it jumping out of a pile of trash, or something. She's _probably_ not going to get serial killed by a cat. Then again, anything is possible. When she opens her eyes again, relief washing over her, she's able to get a better look at it.

Its hair is a pure white, while its eyes are wide and grayish-blue.

It warms Himiko's heart and breaks it at the same time.

She can't help but put her bags down on the ground and kneel, reaching a hand out. It doesn't look much older than a couple of years old and the lower parts of its feet seem to be dirty. Other than that, though, it looks relatively normal. Not like some other strays that Himiko's seen before. "Ha...you sure scared me. What are you doing in a place like this? Something as pretty as you shouldn't be here."

Even though she's not expecting the cat to come to her, it's still surprising that it doesn't run away when she tries to get closer.

"Uh, do cats like lunch meat?" she asks to no one in particular, then takes some out of the package she'd bought earlier. Ripping a piece off, she holds it out to the cat and waits for a few seconds.

The offering seems successful.

It carefully walks over to her and sniffs her fingers before eating the slice, and it doesn't even move away when she reaches out to pet it. In fact, it even seems to lean into the touch when she scratches underneath its chin. It's certainly not the first time Himiko's had success with a stray, but there's something fundamentally different about this situation. Her eyes meet the cat's and it almost feels for a moment like they're communicating _. Like magic._

And then, it cocks its head to the side, like it's asking her a question.

"I - I don't really believe people can reincarnate," Himiko states quickly, feeling herself starting to get choked up. "I don't know if she believed that. But you do definitely look like her."

The cat appears to have lost all its hesitation, because it boldly walks over to her and rubs its head against her knee.

She almost bursts into tears right then and there, but she settles for gently petting it and rubbing behind its ears. "You're not her, though. You can't be. She's dead and that's that. They both are. They all are," the cat, of course, doesn't respond. It doesn't even know what she's talking about. But that's alright. "There's no bringing them back. I'm glad you came to see me, though."

But even when she moves to stand and turns around, it brushes itself up against her leg.

Maki and Shuuichi probably wouldn't be happy with her if she randomly brought a stray home, especially after their fight, but the temptation is strong. It gets even worse when the cat starts following her, even after she makes a turn outside of the alleyway and down the street. It even starts walking ahead of her, changing its direction every time she makes a turn.

Finally, she can't help but start laughing.

"Okay, you're persistent," moving both bags to one arm, she leans down and picks the cat up. Amazingly enough, it rests comfortably in her hands and doesn't try to squirm away. "I guess you have nowhere else to go, huh?"

They'll deal with it, she decides.

When she finally comes home - _home_ , that's a word she hasn't been able to use in a long time - the relief that washes over the faces of Shuuichi and Maki as she closes the door behind her makes her feel even more guilty.

Both of them run up to her and their expressions contort into worry.

It's Shuuichi who speaks up first. "W - We were just about to go looking for you, I'm so glad you're alright."

Then, it's Maki. "I thought we should wait a bit to see if you would come back on your own, but you were gone for almost half an hour, and - "

Even though they both obviously want to say more, their words are cut off when the two's eyes are drawn to the creature in Himiko's arms. It opens its mouth wide to yawn in response. Rather than disappointed or upset, they just look surprised and confused, and she decides that it's probably best to explain herself before they jump to any conclusions or make her feel any more nervous than she's already feeling.

"A - Ah, can we...keep it?" she asks tentatively. "I found it in the alley near the convenience store down the street."

They seem pretty dumbfounded.

But, hey, that's not a no.

Maki's the one who finds it in her to speak again. "Uh - sure. If it really doesn't have an owner, I don't think either of us would really have a problem with that," and that's enough to make Himiko elated enough to forget all about what they were arguing about earlier. "We can go over the cat later. But more importantly, while you were gone, we started considering something together. We kind of want your opinion on something."

 _Ugh._ At least it lasted for a few seconds. But there's a thought in the back of her mind that makes her hope they're talking about something totally unrelated to whatever their fight was about.

Then, Maki nods over to Shuuichi, prompting him to start talking.

"We were thinking about, um," he averts his eyes and rubs the back of his neck, looking somehow like he's both sure and unsure about this. "Going to group therapy. Or, we could all do therapy by ourselves. I just assumed we'd all wanna go together. I mean, we could also do both, I just thought that it might be good to...start there."

Even though he starts rambling a bit, Himiko smiles nonetheless.

Apparently, while she was out, they'd ended up calming down and seriously thinking about what to do regarding their little arrangement. Surrounding themselves with each other, the only other people who both can fully understand their plight and who are just as traumatized by the exact same thing, might be doing more harm than good. It makes sense that they can't get over the constant hostility, despite no longer being in a hostile environment.

But it's good to know that she's not the only one of the three who very much doesn't want that.

She's sure that they all _want_ to trust one another, to not be so volatile at times that don't warrant it, and they're finally acknowledging that they're going to need to put in the effort to make things right.

Later that night, when she goes to lie down, she hears a knock on her door.

Even though it can only be one of two people, it's still a bit surprising to see Maki's tired face looking down on her.

"Shuuichi and I were talking and," she hesitates, running her hands through her long hair. "We were thinking of getting our sleeping bags and just spending the night in the living room. Did you want to join us?"

It's barely even a question.

When Himiko's settled into her sleeping bag and they've all said goodnight to one another, she thinks to how drastic her mood has shifted over the course of the day. It's a nice thing to think about, that things can always get better, even if they seem awful at the time.

Just as feels herself start to doze off, the cat jumps into her line of vision and starts rubbing its face against hers.

Before she can make a move to pet it, Himiko feels it curl up against her side and begin purring softly. It's at that moment that she knows she's not gonna be able to let go of it anytime soon, as if she wasn't already attached to it. She's really going to have to come up with a name, and buy some supplies, since she doesn't have a lot of experience with taking care of a cat.

But she can worry about that in the morning.

* * *

The days that are so good that they make them forget the world around them are rare, but they do happen.

Those rarities are what keep them going and they're always deeply cherished, regardless of what other effects they can have.

Shuuichi tries not to think about how paranoid he gets when things are good. It's absolutely irrational to be even more anxious when there's nothing going wrong than when it's the opposite, but he can't help but be concerned that there's _always_ something bad about to happen. And that worry tends to only get worse when there's nothing specific to focus it onto. He's sure that the others feel the same way, considering the amount of times they've had heated arguments and moments of instability seemingly at random.

The times that he wants to get rest and _should_ get rest because there's really no one stopping him are the times he hates the most because he can't help being confronted by how much of his insomnia is self-inflicted.

It's when he's left alone with himself that he starts to hate himself the most.

But, he considers the fact that the amount of times he's thought to himself that _I should've been the one who died, not them_ , has decreased is unambiguously a good thing.

Distractions are the biggest help.

When they can all focus on something - whether it be a game, a show, a book - things get a lot easier to manage. The cat that Himiko picked up has proven to be lifting her spirits, for example. It certainly doesn't seem like she's had much experience taking care of a pet, despite her claims of having past ' _familiars_ ,' but the learning process is proving to be calming instead of taxing. Something about having a specific responsibility like that has helped ground her and, by extension, the other two.

He's decided to do what he can to keep those distractions coming.

"I'm home," he yells out, closing the door behind him with the one hand that isn't holding shopping bags.

Even though he doesn't hear an answer from either of them, he can hear their voices coming from the kitchen and deduces that they're having some sort of discussion about Maki getting recognized over by the diner closest to them. It's not something that happens a lot these days, but they figured it was bound to happen. Moving out into what can almost be considered the middle of nowhere drew more attention to them than they'd expected, despite the fact that they've been able to avoid being in the public eye for some time now.

He figures that it was inevitable that they'd be found and comes to the conclusion that the point of moving in together was just so they could be with those they care the most for and have the most 'history' with, not to try and stay in hiding for the rest of their lives.

Shuuichi never wanted to hide, he just wants to be allowed to live. That, and he's not about to move from place to place, forever running from the world so that they're not found. He's not going to give up the little bit of security he feels.

These considerations swim in his head until he's done putting away the groceries and is left with one last item sitting on the counter, the thing he's been anxious about even though he logically has no reason to be.

He takes out the box.

From behind him, both Himiko and Maki go quiet, their conversation forgotten as they presumably eye what he has in his hands.

And it's Maki who speaks up in a deadpan voice.

"...Monopoly?"

Shuuichi gives a sheepish laugh, thinking - yeah, it is kind of a silly game to be suggesting they play. But that's kind of the point. "Ha, yeah. There's a game shop that opened in the mall area downtown," he says, walking over to the table and places the box down. After a moment, the other two join him and they all sit down. "I found this and thought it might be fun. Do you wanna give it a try?"

It's not like it's the first time they've played a board game together before. On the contrary, they've actually been playing quite a few. Pai-Sho and Go are games Shuuichi definitely enjoys, but Maki's the best player out of them all. Himiko was never quite able to get a handle on chess or checkers - either that, or she just found them too boring to pay enough attention. They've started many games of Risk, but have never been able to finish one. And the one time they tried to play Clue together was a monumental disaster. Shuuichi gives a shudder just thinking about it. _Anyway_.

Himiko certainly seems more interested out of the two, but Maki pauses for a moment before giving a shrug. "Sure, why not?"

He smiles at her and begins ripping the plastic layer off of the game. "Great. I've, ah...actually never played this game before, though."

"O - Oh, that's good. I thought I was the only one," Himiko responds, looking a bit relieved.

"I can teach you both, if you want," Maki offers. "I remember playing this game with some of the kids at the orphanage."

 _The one that doesn't exist._ But none of them say anything about that, because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter.

The redhead speaks up again and scratches at her cheek. "Wait, you played this game there? How many players can there even _be_?" only seeming to just realize what she's asking about, Himiko rushes to cover her mouth. "Oh - I mean, I don't really know about how many people were in your orphanage, but..."

Though Maki can understand the apprehensiveness, she still blinks blankly at Himiko's concern.

There's a clear difference between when Shuuichi or Himiko ask about her past and when others ask about it. These two are interested in her as a person, asking about things that happened to her or things she did and treating them as real events, treating them just as real as they feel to her. But the assholes who push question after question on her - they just want to know how far in-depth her _backstory_ is. They think of it as a novelty, of _her_ as one, and it pisses her off.

"Actually, you can only have a maximum number of eight players. There were a lot of us, so we'd sometimes have more than one person as 'one player' so we could have as many people there playing as possible. We often incorporated the game into the times we'd play House. Like a game within a game," and Shuuichi has a good idea of where this is going even before she continues, her eyes distant. "One of the girls was always who I'd team up with, since we were the _mom_ and _dad_."

He knows exactly what girl she's talking about and hopes that it isn't a tough subject for her. But as she starts explaining the game, her mood appears instead to improve.

It doesn't take long for both him and Himiko to start asking questions, though the mage is the one who asks the most. "How much money do I start with?"

"Fifteen hundred," Maki states as she sets up the tokens and distributes the paper. "All of us start with the same amount. I'll be the Banker, since I think that'll be easiest if I want to show you both how to play."

It's actually a bit funny seeing Maki try to explain to Himiko what a mortgage is, but once a few too many questions get thrown in the air, she finally decides that having them all learn through experience would be a lot easier than trying to elaborate on everything in the game beforehand. Thankfully for her, they both agree to just getting started and taking the rules as they come.

Shuuichi eventually leaves his phone open on the table so they can look up what they can and can't do without bothering Maki about it, though she doesn't seem to be genuinely tired of them. In fact, it's almost like she's having fun being the one to lead them along.

At about twenty minutes in, they finally all start getting the hang of it and the conversation has long since died down.

Of course, there's communication, but they get to be too invested in the game to make jokes anymore or talk about the ludicrous guidelines. It's no wonder that Maki's ahead, but the other two hold their own surprisingly well and even Himiko manages to play cautiously. She especially stays rather quiet throughout the course of the game and, while Shuuichi believed the reason for that to be how focused she was, that's completely thrown out the window when she opens her mouth to speak.

"Hey. One of us should marry Saihara."

Their focus on the game stops abruptly.

Both Shuuichi and Maki look up in immediate alarm at Himiko.

Their gazes shift back and forth between each other and Himiko, both dumbfounded at the verbal bomb she's just dropped. By far, though, it's Shuuichi who's the most shocked and he nearly drops the fake money in his hand. A million questions start going through his head, but he can't find a way to put any of them without choking on his own words. _Marry?_ They might be adults already, as well as living together, but that's pretty early to be bringing up. She can't _actually_ be thinking about -

Sensing their panic, Himiko starts to panic as well.

"I - I was just thinking about it! Maki, you brought up when you'd play House, and I just started thinking that getting married would probably help us out in the long run. I think so, anyway. And, well...we're living together now, right?" as she tries to justify it, both of them start calming down a bit. _A bit_. "It'd just make sense."

They all sit in silence for a minute, the game completely forgotten for the time being.

Something in Shuuichi's mind makes him think Maki won't be the one who responds first, so he gives Himiko an awkward smile. "I guess I see your point," before Maki's eyes darken too much, he continues. "But, why is that the only option?"

"What...do you mean?"

He tries not to instinctively cover his face in embarrassment at having to explain it. "What I mean is, wouldn't it be fine if we just stayed the way we are now?" just then, like a light bulb turning on, he gets an idea. "And I mean, if all you're talking about is marriage, why don't you and Harukawa get married?"

That idea shocks both of the girls and he has to stop himself from bursting out laughing. Of course, that's to be expected. He mostly brought it up as a joke to show how ridiculous her seemingly randomly bringing up the idea was, because to him the two marrying each other makes just about as much sense as either of them marrying him. He's expecting that Himiko will lazily comment about how she sees his point, or that Maki will make some snarky remark and that they'll all go back to playing the game.

What...he _doesn't_ expect at all is for Himiko's ears to turn red and for her to get up from her seat.

"H - Harumaki," because of their height difference and the fact that Maki is still sitting down, Himiko doesn't really need to get down on one knee, but she chooses to anyway. And even then, her sweating face is still visible to the other two. "Will you - you - _w_ \- will you m - marry _m - m -_ "

Maki's face is a mix between surprised, perturbed, and amused.

"Even though you're the one who brought up the idea of marriage, you seem really nervous," she says flatly, interrupting Himiko's seemingly nonstop stuttering.

Now, Himiko's entire face is red, though that can also be attributed to her frustration with herself. "Sh - Shut up! I can do this! I'm not backing down now!"

The situation is just _too_ ridiculous.

Shuuichi can't stop himself from laughing.

When the two of them look over to him, he tries his best to quiet himself down, but the grin on his face stays. It occurs to him just how happy he is to be living with them, the fact that they can give him moments of happiness that he's sure he wouldn't have otherwise. "Ah, I don't really think this is something that needs to be decided right now, y'know?" he moves to stand and walks over to where Himiko's still on the floor, extending a hand to her. "We're barely adults as it is. It's not like we need to rush things, even if marriage _is_ something we decide to consider at some point in the future."

For a moment, Himiko just stares at him, considering his words. She takes his hand and stands up, giving a heavy sigh.

"Well, alright. I thought that it was a good idea, but you do have a point," then, she directs her attention back to Maki, going back to looking somewhat nervous. "But...that means you're not rejecting me, right, Harumaki?"

Though her voice doesn't reflect it, Maki's small smile shows how much the situation's relaxed her. "What? You're actually worried about that?"

"D - Don't make fun of me!"

Even as Himiko gets increasingly flustered, Shuuichi thinks to himself that they're having a good time all the same.

They do finally decide to get back to playing, but they start talking back and forth about whatever topics come to mind, not really focusing much on the game anymore. Instead, their energy seems to be fixated on each other. Somehow, they end up having more fun that way than Shuuichi thinks they might have originally, if Himiko didn't bring up that idea to break the tension that none of them were acknowledging existed.

It occurs to him that surviving doesn't need to be a chore. Not when they have each other, that is.

Shuuichi, Maki, and Himiko. They all love each other. No matter what way that's construed, or however they choose to justify or categorize it in their own heads, it's the basic truth. Love can mean a lot of different things to different people. It doesn't make the love mean any less, and Shuuichi thinks to himself that there are still a lot of questions he has about his own emotions. Not just regarding the two of them, but about those from his past, as well. From _their_ past. He has a feeling that they think the same way.

But they don't need to figure it all out at once.

They have time.


End file.
